Selfish Justification

I remember feeling this way…

Mean, too controlling, inhumane even, for forcing my dogs do anything they didn’t want to.

Why on Earth would I ever make any dog uncomfortable!

So instead of allowing the yucky feelings associated with enforcing rules, I exalted myself to sainthood by “turning a blind eye” to poor behavior because I was a kinder, more loving, and absolutely a more ethical owner for doing so. 

All three dogs had much smaller, narrow lives as a result. All three needlessly struggled with fear, anxiety, stress, and emotional regulation. All three recklessly put themselves, or others, in danger. All three were TERRIBLY misbehaved.

Shouldn’t my kindness have produced the opposite effect?

How could being prisoners of their own home, fence fighting with neighbors’ dogs, panicked reactivity at every unpredictable sound, severe attachment and dependency issues, as well as human and dog reactivity, all be the result of sharing love and kindness? 

The truth was that withholding rules, boundaries, and structure wasn’t for my dog’s sakes at all. It was for me. I selfishly ignored their bad behavior because enforcing rules or implementing more structure felt mean and hard. So instead of doing what was best for them, I did what felt EASY to me.

Pure selfishness. 

My “honorable” rationalization was glaringly contradictory. 

Sometimes we have to get REAL low before we actually see the error of our ways…

I could no longer justify withholding clarity for right or wrong, feedback for good or bad, or discipline for REALLY awful behavior. I learned that the most loving thing I could do for my trio was to actually disagree with what wasn’t in their best interest long term, and to parent and lead more. 

This was certainly the more virtuous path. 

And it has led me here — helping others see the truth that we are all unwittingly blind to.

Selfish or Virtuous?

I remember feeling this way…

Mean, too controlling, inhumane even, for forcing my dogs do anything they didn’t want to.

Why on Earth would I ever make any dog uncomfortable!

So instead of allowing the yucky feelings associated with enforcing rules, I exalted myself to sainthood by “turning a blind eye” to poor behavior because I was a kinder, more loving, and absolutely more ethical owner for doing so. 

All three dogs had much smaller, narrow lives. All three needlessly struggled with fear, anxiety, stress, and emotional regulation. All three recklessly put themselves, or others, in danger. All three were TERRIBLY misbehaved.

Shouldn’t my kindness have produced the opposite effect?

How could being prisoners of their own home, fence fighting with neighbors dogs, panicked reactivity at every unpredictable sound, severe attachment and dependency issues, as well as human and dog aggression, all be the result of sharing love and kindness? 

The truth was that withholding rules, boundaries, and structure wasn’t for my dog’s sakes at all. It was for me. I selfishly ignored their bad behavior because enforcing rules or implementing more structure felt mean and hard. So instead of doing what was best for them, I did what felt easy to me.

Pure selfishness. 

My “honorable” rationalization was seemingly contradictory. 

Sometimes we have to get REAL low before we actually see the error of our ways…

I could no longer justify withholding clarity for right or wrong, feedback for good or bad, or discipline for REALLY awful behavior. I learned that the most loving thing I could do for my trio was to actually parent and lead more. 

This was certainly the more virtuous path. 

And it has led me here — helping others see the truth that we are all unwittingly blind to.

The Rescue Dog's Transition

So you’ve decided to do a great thing and rescue that dog that has been returned back to the shelter on more than one occasion. How do you introduce this guy to his new environment, dog-brothers and sisters, and home dynamic? Very delicately.

Most families hold on to the back story of abuse or neglect and coddle, baby, and over spoil their new rescue not realizing this will fuel those problematic behaviors he was surrendered for originally. Doting on an overly aroused, pushy, reactive dog will only get you more of the same. Additionally, if you currently have a couple of dogs within the household, there already is a hierarchy set amongst them. A new dog will disrupt this if not given proper guidance and structure while advocating for the current dynamic.

Routine and rigorous structure are of utmost importance for no less than the first month in the new home. Dog privileges, couch time, affection, play, must be earned through good, consistent behavior. Routine needs to be established so the new member of your pack isn’t left guessing or filling in the blanks where you haven’t communicated your intent.

EVERYTHING should be scheduled and controlled from the minute you wake up to when you lay back down. At no time should the new dog be able to make decisions or choices on his own regarding ANYTHING.  No free-roaming. He should always be kept in command, in either a Down, or Place. Practice massive amounts of Permission Based Training (Waiting for Food, Thresholds, Crate Manners, Controlled Heal, Place Duration). Crate your dogs when you are unable to fully attend to their business. No free roaming should be allowed. Play time is left for the outdoors in a controlled setting while advocating for each and every dog.

Only when you get consistent, AMAZING behavior, all of the time, should you start doling out rewards strategically: affection, play time, free-roam. If any regression toward bad choices occurs, dial back the amount of freedom. 

This type of intiial structure is far more important for your new dog's state of mind than your cozy bed, treats, hugs and kisses, and endless toys could ever be when transitioning into his new home.

Conditioning For Stress

Unfamiliarity creates a feeling of unease in both dogs and humans alike. Contemplating the horrors to be discovered in the depths of the unknown can reek havoc on our abilities to make healthy, balanced choices. Until we are exposed to something repeatedly, and conditioned to embrace it, we will react to avert the discomfort that could potentially be looming. Random noises, movements, or stranger danger can be startling.

For any dog that has successfully avoided pushing through a stressful situation, and reacts with aggression, barking, growling, or flight, the reward is to either scare the threat away by growling, or to run from it. This reinforces the fear. 

Porter, my tri-colored CKCS, was one of those dogs that was afraid of his own shadow. Quick movements, unfamiliar sounds, or even the wind would stir this guy into a frenzy. Although this sweet-natured boy wouldn't hurt a flee, his explosive reaction to any encroaching unfamiliarity was a spectacle to be seen. A strange encounter, human or dog, was vocalized in bloody murder.  A loving, outreached hand was interpreted as a direct threat.

Stranger: "Oh, he's so beautiful, can I pet him?" 

Growling ensues. "Oh, wow, does he bite?"

Me: "Uhh, no, at least he hasn't yet, but he is letting you know that he doesn't want you to pet him."

Of course, my natural instinct was to scoop him into my arms and soothe him with baby talk and oodles of unwarranted affection. Boy did this reinforce his reactivity. Our walks were now being met with uncontrollable barking at anything unfamiliar. A rock could provoke this guy into panic! Our walks became a total and complete embarrassment to be avoided at all costs. Forget any visits to the local veterinarian. His fear would overcome him to the point of pancaking before entering the building. His reward: my unwavering reassurance through affection, and total avoidance of anything unfamiliar. The exact opposite of what I should have been doing. 

A typical dog owner’s natural impulse is to coddle and soothe a fearful dog in times of stress, when in fact, what the dog really needs is the exact opposite. How did I turn the tables? Tough love (this was hard for me). Unwavering leadership in the face of a threat. Training for state of mind. Creating calm on command. Helping Porter process an unfamiliar event with confidence because he knows that I will always advocate for his best interest. Repeatedly introducing the triggers that provoke the undesired behavior, and helping him work through them. Zero affection for at least 60 days. Praise only for being calm. Accountability, accountability, accountability. Reassurance through leadership. All of this will eventually make the unfamiliar more tolerable and manageable. 

Capping Intensification

One of the best ways to prevent an ugly situation from ever occurring with your dog is by addressing any shift in behavior at its lowest level of interest, (ears perked forward, closed mouth, crinkled forehead, a glance away from you), before it has chance to escalate into something that cannot be reversed. Timing is of utmost importance. A split second can either cap the behavior from escalating even further, or make it worse. Seeing theses signs that lead up to a moment of aggression, growling, guarding, or taking off after the cat, before they actually happen, and giving a firm enough correction at just the right intensity is clutch. A split second too late, and you may find yourself chasing the bad behavior in frustration, making matters worse, and even better yet, risking the chance of your dog redirecting onto you. Seeing these signs in your dog just takes practice.

Ruebyn used to charge the TV whenever he saw something he felt was threatening on screen. It ranged from another dog, to a horse, to sheep, any animal for that matter, but also certain human beings, or helicopters, motorcycles, to airplanes. Okay, just about everything! It was adorable when he was 6lbs. Aww look, he’s smart, he recognizes animals and people on TV! Hah! When he grew up and is attention to detail blossomed into a full blown attack towards the mounted electric fireplace, the behavior obviously needed to be addressed. Through careful observation of even the slightest adjustment in interest from him, I was able to cap his state of mind in the split second before his interest exploded. Done. Explosion diffused before it had the chance to ignite.

Study every minute, subtle difference in your dog’s focus from you, to what is diverting his attention away. This is where a “tap on the shoulder” is necessary to regain your dog’s focus back to you before it escalates. Focus on those subtle changes in behavior that consistently show up every single time he has an incident. If we can learn to address the small transgressions at just the right time and intensity, chances are they will never turn into nasty ones!

"NO" is not Abuse.

If there isn’t a “NO” in your conversation with your badly misbehaved dog, then you are reinforcing whatever behavior she is currently exhibiting. Ignoring the bad behavior is equivalent to verbal praise and reward. “NO” provides clarity when met with a significant enough correction to stop the behavior from occurring again. Ignoring bad behavior, hoping that it will go away on it’s own, or your dog will eventually grow out of it, is allowance. If your dog chews your underwear, your shoes, your socks, the couch, it’s because you allowed it. If she lunges at people or other dogs, you allowed it. If she runs away from you when called, you allowed it. If she charges the door, or just snagged your sandwich from the table, you allowed it. Providing a correction is not abuse. It is clear information your dog needs to perform at her highest level. Without the “No’s” there will always be something missing from the learning equation. Teaching your dog 95% of the time to do what we want, and providing a clear enough consequence for what we don’t the other 5% of the time, helps your dog navigate the world more safely. A dog that is allowed to do whatever it is she feels in the moment, in the absence of consequences, is a dog that will eventually rule your roost, acting on impulse alone. Dogs need order and structure. Without it, you can guarantee chaos. “No’s” are a necessary ingredient for establishing respect. When you create a relationship based in leadership, structure, and accountability, your dog will become more comfortable, and his behavior will change instantly.

Human Negligence

Human negligence is causing the euthanasia epidemic we are seeing in our country. Dogs fall victim to human ignorance, thoughtlessness, and poor management on a daily basis. A lack of realizing the importance of discipline, order, and obedience training can turn a remarkable dog with an immense capacity for companionship into a destructive, aggressive, or hyper annoyance the next. It is this staggering irresponsibility that is killing 5 million adult dogs and puppies on a yearly basis. Instead of investing the time it takes to avert bad behavior before it has a chance to manifest, owners are quick to give their dog’s up due to the now substantial time and financial investment needed to reverse the behavioral problem. Dog ownership is a 10-16 year commitment to managing a healthy, structured relationship. This has the potential to enrich all lives involved. Deciding to add a dog to your family isn’t something to be taken lightly. You can’t just bring a dog home and expect it to know how to navigate through life without leadership. The relationship requires a willingness to invest time and energy in training, before any dangerous or destructive issues have a chance to begin. This investment is one well worth the effort with the enormous bond that can be cultivated when respect between species is practiced regularly.

Where Does the Barbarity Lie?

Training collars, the prong or e-collar, are not barbaric, inhumane, or evil. When used responsibly, they are the gentlest form of communication between the handler and the dog. People that slap training collars on dogs and expect the tools to instantly change behavior through compulsion are doing it completely wrong. Training trains the dog, not the tool. The energy, and the intent behind the tool is what is most important. Just like any other dog training tool, the crate, the slip lead, etc, all can be used with nefarious intent. It is the trainer’s responsibility to ensure the tools are merely a means of communication, a tap on the shoulder, to regain focus on the task at hand. Conditioned obedience training using low pressure sensation to teach the dog how to turn it off is not evil, inhumane, or abusive. It’s a quiet, repetitive conversation, that over time, becomes engrained behavior. If a louder conversation is necessary due to unacceptable, dangerous behavior, I would rather my dog be clear on what is or isn’t acceptable in that split second, rather than risk his or another human or dog’s safety. Rules need clear believability. Ask yourself, what’s more inhumane, leaving your dog in a constant state of anxiety where he feels he has to react to anything and everything in his environment, or conditioning him to relax and chill out with tools that effectively communicate this?

When Abuse Becomes Our Excuse

When Abuse Becomes Our Excuse

Porter, AKA: Pooty, is a rescue from a backyard breeder that didn’t want to incur the cost of his medical expenses needed to get this guy healthy. He was a sickly dog with massive ear infections, an eye infection, and cryptorchidism. Add to this, being unsocialized with humans or dogs for the first year of his life. All of his interactions and decisions were based on his fear and anxiety. His eyes were in a constant bulge of distrust whenever a hand came too near. Oh how this poor little dude found the jackpot with me! He couldn’t have found a more loving, caring, responsible owner! Or so I thought.

I carried his story of neglect around with us everywhere! Massive amounts of affection were given at every instance of insecurity, promising him reliability from me. Sweet talking and coddling this boy is what I did best. And boy did he want to please me. At my every step, my little shadow-dog followed me room to room. He was fantastic at at obedience. My new bestie!

So what’s the problem you ask? Well let me tell you... A couple of years without structure or boundaries because I didn’t want to hurt Porter’s feelings more than he’d already been hurt, ended up rearing its ugly head in every instance of unfamiliarity for him. The doorbell meant bloody murder, house guest forewarned to never come through the door, mailman best stay outside, cat wandering past the Florida window was tonight’s RAW meal, crying, whining, barking, growling, fence fighting, car rides: forget about it, walking down the street: aggressive reactivity towards humans and dogs. What!? Cavaliers don’t act like that! My poor, sweet Porter, was now my most badly behaved dog EVER! I couldn’t do anything with him outside of the house or have friends and family over without him going completely bananas. This was no way to live folks!

So how did this all change? I changed my relationship from nurturer to Leader. I realized I was allowing Porter to make his own decisions when it came to something that makes him scared. Too much of the soft stuff only exacerbated his unhealthy issues. Because Porter’s nervousness overpowered his ability to make polite decisions, he was lashing out at quick movements, growling at strangers, and constantly whining. By setting up rules, boundaries, and structure, and moving from a place of feeling sorry for, or making excuses for, we were able to move forward to a healthier state of mind.

You see, holding onto Porter’s past was actually more harmful than the neglect he experienced itself. Moving forward as a leader, with rules and accountability for bad behavior, actually paved the way towards progress.

Feeling sorry for your dog should not be the reason to withhold structure because “he’s been through so much already.” Your dog needs a healthy future filled with accountability, rules, and boundaries that convince him that he no longer needs to make all of the decisions on his own. He has a Leader that loves him more than his story. You may want to ask yourself this: is it more abusive to let a dog continue on in a nervous, anxious state of mind because you feel sorry for him, or provide him with rules and structure that will free his mind from those very feelings? Letting Porter know “No” it’s not okay to act that way, I’ve got you, stop worrying about it, has drastically changed this nervous-Nelly’s state of mind. He is now able to just exist around other dogs and people without fearing for his life. That’s all we ever want for our guys, right? Balance and peace of mind!